Diary of a reformed elitist

I AM as Rafflesian/Raffles Girls’ School (RGS)/’elite’ as they come. My father was a Raffles Institution boy; I went through Raffles Girls’ Primary School (RGPS), RGS, then Raffles Junior College, then on to the National University of Singapore, boarding at Raffles Hall. My sisters went through much the same route. My little girls are in RGPS.

I recognise the syndrome Ms Sandra Leong talks about (’Scoring high in grades but not in values’, last Saturday). I live it, breathe it. Most of my friends are like me, graduates. Most of us live in landed property, condominiums or minimally, executive condos or five-room flats. None of us talks about making ends meet, or how we must turn down medical treatment for our aged parents because we cannot find the money.

But I will add to her essay: that those traits, that aura is not unique to RGS girls. It resonates within a social group, and its aspirants, the well educated or well endowed. I hang out with so many, I have stories by the barrel.

- My doctor friend, non-RGS and one would even say anti-RGS, was shocked when she found out how many As I got in my A levels, since I opted to do an arts degree. In her words, ‘I thought all arts people were dumb, that is why they go to arts’. Her own family boasts only doctors and lawyers – she said they would never contemplate any other profession – and by implication, all other professions are below those two.

- A church-mate who lived in a landed property in District 10 – definitely not an RGS girl, and I venture to guess, not even a graduate – once, in all sincerity and innocence, prayed for all those who had to take public transport and live in HDB flats, for God to give them strength to bear these trials.

- Another friend, also non-RGS and a non-graduate, shudders when she recounts the few months she lived in an HDB flat. And that was a five-room flat. Imagine the culture shock if she had lived in a three-room flat.

I continue to meet people who never visit hawker centres, who wonder why the poor people do not work harder to help themselves, who fret if their children do not get into the Gifted Education Programme (reserved for the top 1 per cent of nine-year-olds).

The pattern repeats itself in the next generation. When my 11-year-old had to go on a ‘race’ around Singapore, using only public transport, the teacher asked for a show of hands on how many had never taken public transport (bus and MRT) before. In a class of 30, five raised their hands. I think if the teacher had asked for those who had taken public transport fewer than 10 times in their young lives, the number would have more than doubled or tripled.

Many of us live in ivory towers. I know I did. I used to think Singapore was pretty much ‘it’ all – a fantastic meritocracy that allowed an ‘HDB child’ from a non-graduate family to make it. I boasted about our efficiency – ‘you can emerge from your plane and be out in 10 minutes’ – and so on.

It was not that I thought little of the rest of the world or other people; it was that I was so ensconced in my cocoon, I just thought little of anything outside my own zone. ‘Snow? Yes, nice.’ ‘Starvation in Ethiopia? Donate $50.’ The wonders of the world we lived in, the sufferings and joys of those who shared this earth were just academic knowledge to me, voraciously devoured for my essays or to hold intelligent conversations at dinner parties.

Then I lived in China for seven years. I looked on in amazement as the skinny tree trunk in front of my yard blossomed and bore pomegranates when spring thawed the ground. And marvelled at the lands that spread east, west, north and south of me as we drove and drove and drove, and never ended. I became friends and fans of colleagues and other Chinese nationals, whom so many Singapore friends had warned me to be wary of.

I realised it was not the world and other people who were limited in their intellect, in their determination, in their resourcefulness; it was me and my world views which were limited. I also know full well that if I had stayed in Singapore, in my cushy job, comfortable in my Bukit Timah home, I would have remained the same – self-sufficient. I had always believed that if I put my mind to it, I could achieve anything. For example, I used to look at sick people and root: ‘Fight with all your willpower, and you will recover.’ And when they did not, I’d think they had failed themselves. I, like Ms Leong, believed ‘mental dexterity equated strength of character and virtue’.

But those years in China taught me terrible lessons on loneliness. I learnt that money (an expatriate pay package) and brains (suitcases of books) did not make me happier than my maid who cycled home to her family every night in minus 20 deg C on icy roads to a dinner of rice and vegetables. The past few years, I have known devastating loss and grief so deep I woke up in the morning and wondered how the sun could still shine and people could go on with their lives.

And so perhaps I have learnt the humility I lacked. Humility about how small I am in the whole schema of things. About how helpless I truly stand, with my intellect in my hands, with my million-dollar roof over my head. To remember, in the darkest valleys of my journey, it was not Ayn Rand or other Booker list authors who lifted me, but the phone calls, the kindness of strangers, that made each day a little less bleak.

And perhaps finally, to really see other people, and understand – not deflect, nor reflect their anger and viewpoints, but see their shyness, pain, struggles, joys. Just because I was ‘fortunate enough’ to have trawled the bottom levels. And perhaps that is the antidote to the oft unwitting elitism so many of us carry with us.

Veteran Singapore actor Li Nanxing revealed that he once indulged in gambling, drinking and even had suicidal thoughts when he could not pay off his mountain of debts, said media reports.

Li told his story to a large crowd on Sunday night at an event at the church Lighthouse Evangelism where many showed up after hearing that he would be speaking.

The television actor reportedly said that he racked up almost S$2 million in debt after making a bad investment decision.

He explained that while he was quite popular the first nine years of his career, his career came to a virtual halt after he said he “was fine with it” when he went on stage to receive an award for his role in the 1997 drama “Rising Expectations”.

Li did not manage to get many roles after that incident and decided to try his hand in business, so he took out S$900,000, his entire savings from nearly a decade of acting, and opened a members-only club with his friends.

“I was the largest shareholder at the time! When I finally got a chance to shoot a drama in China, I ‘pre-signed’ a number of cheques and left my business partners in charge of the venture,” said the 45-year-old.

“The six months I was in China, I only communicated with my business partner over the phone. I only found out later that the general manager was dishonest. Besides losing my S$900,000 investment, I still owed suppliers and developers S$500,000. That S$900,000 was everything I had from nearly a decade of work.”

Things started getting from bad to worse for the then-penniless Li. He lost his driving license for drink driving, owed S$45,000 in taxes and even had to borrow S$30,000 from loansharks to avoid losing his house after defaulting on loan repayments in 2002.

Li added that at one point, he even had to scrounge for loose change to buy food. He only had something good when his pay cheque finally came in at month’s end.

Facing such enormous pressure, Li turned to gambling, drinking and smoking almost three packets of cigarettes a day to numb himself. However, this only served to land him deeper in debt and made him think of taking his own life.

“I did not have any friends, I could not sleep… I thought of suicide, to end it all with my death,” said Li who went on to describe those years as the “darkest days of [his] life”.

Li said it is only after he chanced upon religion that he was miraculously “saved”.

His business partner wanted to settle their differences out of court and offered Li S$210,000 while his creditors stopped going after him and instead went after his other two business partners. He also signed with a new management company and managed to get a number of jobs overseas.

All this allowed him to clear all his debt within a year.

“After that, I no longer gambled, drank or smoked. I sleep peacefully every night and have a better temperament. I am a changed man,” said Li.

The World Never Dared

She thought they called her ugly,

Behind her back,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She was afraid she would never be loved,

That no one could love an ugly girl,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She never saw the strength,

Nor the beauty that she had,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She cried into the night,

Worrying she wasn’t beautiful enough,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She started losing herself,

To the deep throes of what was truly ugly,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She started keeping her distance,

Until she truly believed that maybe the whole world was ugly,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She wandered off into the distance,

A sad look upon her face,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She lifted herself up,

Then let herself crash down,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She lingered in the shadows,

One moment too long,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She fell down the mountain,

Into a crumpled mess of ugly emotions,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She grew believing ugliness reigned,

And that she couldn’t overcome it,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She flew solo,

And never asked for directions,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She broke all the mirrors,

But still called herself ugly,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She hit and kicked,

Out at her soul,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She tried to make it work,

But she let the ugliness rumors overcome,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She followed all the wrong signs,

Into the deep and dark abyss where ugly ruled,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She stopped laughing,

Yet thought life was a joke,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She fell fast and furious,

To ugly’s power,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She stopped listening,

And she never heard the compliments,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

She kept pushing herself,

But still thought they called her ugly,

And the world never dared,

To set her right,

Then one day,

That not ugly, truly beautiful girl snapped,

And the world never had a chance,

To dare to set her right,

She finally stopped fighting,

And let ugliness take her all the way,

And the world never did dare,

To set her right.

Haiti – “A Call To Fasting & Prayer” from anthony gehin on Vimeo.

What if Richard Dawkins, in a public lecture in Singapore, had said exactly what Pastor Rony Tan had said about reincarnation, karma, and Buddhism? What if it made its rounds in cyberspace and YouTube? Would the Internal Security Department have given him a phone call? Would he have transgressed the The Maintenance of Religious Harmony Act (1992)?

Restraining orders against officials or members of religious group or institution

8. —(1) The Minister may make a restraining order against any priest, monk, pastor, imam, elder, office-bearer or any other person who is in a position of authority in any religious group or institution or any member thereof for the purposes specified in subsection (2) where the Minister is satisfied that that person has committed or is attempting to commit any of the following acts:

(a) causing feelings of enmity, hatred, ill-will or hostility between different religious groups;

(b) carrying out activities to promote a political cause, or a cause of any political party while, or under the guise of, propagating or practising any religious belief;

(c) carrying out subversive activities under the guise of propagating or practising any religious belief; or

(d) exciting disaffection against the President or the Government while, or under the guise of, propagating or practising any religious belief.

The answer would be in the negative because he is not “in a position of authority in any religious group or institution or any member thereof” unless Atheism has become a new religion of the masses. Would he be liable by law to any other charge from the Singapore law code?

And what if he had said something incendiary about Christianity like what he wrote in his book:

“”The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.”

Will he draw  angry knee jerk reactions from red-faced Christians? I am sure there are those who will give him an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. The majority will just shrug it aside. Some would invite him to a debate. Which was what happened and you can watch it in Richard Dawkins-John Lennox Debate. It is wonderful when intelligent civil discussions can take place in a meaningful way over controversial, volatile issues.

Hopefully one day the issues raised by the Pastor Rony Tan’s webcast on Buddhism and homosexuality can be intellectually dissected and discussed and everybody, Christians and Buddhists and gays, can get enlightened in the process, or at least have their say.