Marie Kondo season now

9 December 2020 Leave a comment

The Marie Kondo season has come. Re-organize, give away, say “Thank you” and “Goodbye” to old stuff. 

This is not because of the approaches of Christmas and Lunar New Year ahead. It is simply that now that I have retired, I have been freed of many of the church ministry “To Do List” priority items, that kept many of the household duties and tasks awaiting my attention. Now that those items at the top have been removed, those at the bottom are nearer the top, and gets my attention. 

Ministry work stretched the intellectual and psychological. Preparing and preaching the sermon and trainings, evaluating and planning the worship services, facilitating meetings for planning, strategizing, reconciling, and supervising have all required the investment of spiritual, mental and emotional energies. 

Therefore, I welcome this Marie Kondo season, this season of mainly physical work with my hands. It moves me towards a wholeness and awareness of things I see, touch, smell and handle. It can be mind-boggling to figure out the best place to store stuff. Yes, sometimes I struggle emotionally to say thank you and goodbye to old pre-loved stuff that served me so well. Yet overall I find a satisfaction in seeing rapid tangible results (in contrast to trying to solve church problems like late-coming worshippers): the room became tidy, the display looked pretty, the cupboards began to breathe, I see the changes and congratulate myself, “Well done!”. 

I had a list of 29 things to do of which 9 have been done. Twenty more awaits my attention. One of them is painting the ceilings of the whole house, and the walls of two or three bedrooms. This will probably take the longest time, as I will do this in stages. I am no longer the 30 year old new house-owner who could paint the living room in half-a-day! And I belong to the generation that would rather save money and do the painting myself, rather than hire professionals to do it. 

Its burdensome when I look at the list. But if I see it as part as my movement towards wholeness, towards development of the under-developed part of my person – the sensory – it helps cast a redemptive light on the strain and load. My mantra is “This is good for me”.

Lord, help me to see you in these mundane and dreary tasks. After all, You once worked with your hands and made things. You did it with pride and an eye to your Father’s praise. Help me to see You in all things, and to find meaning in doing the most uncomfortable, dirty, odious of chores. 

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Grieving about retirement

7 October 2020 2 Comments

In the early months of this year, I was looking forward to retirement. I looked forward to being free from the burdens and pressures of pastoral ministry. Forty years in the same church is a lengthy term of service and I do feel weary and tired towards the end. I was also curious to see what my spirituality would look like without ministry to drive or shape it. I want to be a child of God period. So it was something I was anticipating with some relish.

However, recently I have come to notice something of a sadness that seem undetectable, under the radar, like background music in the shopping malls. It is there but I am oblivious to it. Until someone mentions about the music, or I am waiting without any cares, I wouldn’t be aware of the music. This almost imperceptible sadness has stayed unnoticed in me for some time. I even thought it was some kind of spiritual dryness. I am still unsure. I need to further reflect on this with the Lord.

It is highly probable because when anyone experience losses like what happens at retirement – the person goes through the various stages of loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Like it or not, retirement is a form of loss: loss of the job satisfaction it gives and a shared life with friends and colleagues; loss of respect and appreciation you enjoyed, and a defined role in the community; the loss of income and medical benefits, and a stable rhythm of work, rest and play. I am sure more can be listed (feel free to add to this list in the comment, if you wish).

Last week I had my final staff meeting with the Mandarin congregation(see above picture). Yesterday, I had my final meeting with the English congregation staff. Today, I wrap up my final zoom meeting with the Deaf congregation staff. What is left is the Board of Elders, and the Senior Pastor’s Office meetings. It was like saying “Goodbye” to these places of joy and hope, ambiguity and difficulty. On the whole, more good things happened in these places than bad. So I praise the Lord for the opportunity to serve in this way in “committees”, though I wouldn’t want to be in them in future, unless the Lord insists, which He wouldn’t. Like I told the church, I don’t want to be in the organization chart, but I am still in the organism and community chart.

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Pastoral ministry, Spirituality and ageing

What do you plan to do after retirement?

17 August 2020 Leave a comment

What will you do after retirement? I am beginning to get more questions like this. Maybe it is because I announced it officially on our 48th church anniversary service, and I have talked about this with friends for some time now.

It is not an easy question to answer. It is not easy because I really do not have any plans. And I usually would have some plans. After all, I am Singaporean. Not this time though. I am determined to leave God with a blank page and let Him fill it at His divine pleasure and leisure. When I last thought of quitting, I had a logical plan of what I will do in the next chapter of my life albeit in broad strokes. It is unlike me to have to say, No I have no plans. I am going to give God a blank page, wait on Him, and let Him fill it at His leisure. I will wait patiently on God. “For You alone O Lord my soul waits in silence, from Him is my salvation” (Ps 62.1).

I don’t want to be thought of as irresponsible or over-spiritual or impractical – so heavenly minded that I am of no earthly use. It’s my pride, I suppose. I want to look good, smart and responsible – a good and faithful steward. If I had a sensible and inspiring five year plan to rattle off in an elevator speech – people would think, He really thought it through. He is so thorough. They would envy me. To say, I have no plans except to rest and wait till the Lord add to my empty plate at His leisure, is risky. My church friends and colleagues will say, When are you going to help us? We need you to fill this gap and that gap! This is tough – to be not helping when my help is needed. To even be misunderstood by my own church colleagues and friends, if God is silent for a long time. What if the pages remain blank for months? I don’t want to be forgotten. I don’t want to be seen as unhelpful. Lord help me to say, “No I have no plans”, when people ask me THAT question. Give me Your grace and power.

This is not a retirement rule for all believers but it is for me because God is inviting me to live this way – without a certain and sure plan. It could be called the Abrahamic plan. Maybe for you, a detailed or rough plan is a necessity and that may be His intention for you. Not for me this time round. We are all unique, and are all developing in different areas of our life, and God is moving us towards wholeness in different ways. For me trusting God’s providence with my future, without any visible regular support or ministry plans is what God wants to develop in me. In a pastorate, this was an issue in the beginning – the need for faith for finances. But this has not been the case since my children graduated and went on to have jobs. The acute need for finances has ceased for many years.

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Knowing your limits

20 June 2020 Leave a comment

There is faith and there is prudence, and then there is wisdom to know the difference. As a Pentecostal I am fully aware of how our faith can break down limits the world sets upon us. However, I often forget the limits God places on us in kingdom positioning, assignment and anointing. There are measures of faith and grace. God sets the limit. Even our physical bodies has limits.

I forgot my physical limits and suffered for about three weeks. My wife and I were walking the park connector near our home. Staying home during the pandemic meant putting on weight and feeling lethargic. We wanted to burn some serious calories by doing a lengthy walk – a three hours walk along the Ulu Pandan Park connector.

Ulu Pandan PCN

I had felt a niggle on my left foot. Since I was a seasoned hiker, I ignored it. After all this was not an arduous hike up Bukit Timah Hill but simply a walk on flat paths. It should be alright. But alright it was not. Two days later my Achilles’ tendon was inflamed and I could not rest my left foot on the ground because of intense pain. I must confess this was not the first time when I over extended myself and found myself moving around the house on a chair with rollers.

The polyclinic appointment schedule was full all the time. I had no choice but to self-medicate. As I said, this was not the first time. I roughly knew it would take about a week to fully recover and regain my mobility. It was okay because I can still work from home. I was supposed to start recording my sermons in church, but couldn’t because I couldn’t walk. Not even from the home to my carpark. So my wife helped me record my sermon from home. – God bless her she had to serve me as I was virtually immobile.

What worsened things was I had a fall after a shower. I tried to hop on one foot over a low threshold but slipped and sprained of all places, the ankle of my left foot already inflamed at the heel. I suppose it was good to have all the pain on the left so at least my right foot was okay.

Reminds me of what St Paul said about how every member of the Body of Christ is vital to the full functioning and health of the whole. So too each member needs to be healthy and functioning to obey the Head and do God’s will.

Now I can walk on both feet – with a slight limp and with my left foot not fully flexible. I am very grateful to God, for when the pain was at its worse I would cry our earnestly for the Lord to have mercy and to heal. He has heard my cry. No instant miracle but a slow gradual healing, so that I could reflect of what wisdom He wants to impart to me and for me only.

Who knows, maybe this applies to you too? But I am convinced its for me. I NEED TO ACKNOWLEDGE MY PHYSICAL LIMITS AND GIVE ATTENTION TO THEM. At 64, I cannot run around the basketball court for hours. I cannot jump as I hard as I used to when I was 17 years old. Not even do what I used to do ten years ago, when hiking mountains and hopping downhill like a mountain goat. I must build up and condition my body from one level of intensity to the next gradually. I must also do proper warm-ups and warm-downs. These have to be mandatory. I used to be able to escape punishment from ignoring these – but not any more. I must listen to my body. My body is telling me but my memory is refusing to listen. My memory tells me, Come on, you have climbed mountains – what is this? A walk in the park. I forget my body is no longer as physically in tip-top condition like it was 10 years back . Back then I was training regularly and my legs were conditioned to take a lot of punishment. Not any more.

When I get well, and I am able to walk without the slightest tinge of pain. I will need to patiently and gradually build up the distance and intensity my legs will be able to cope with. No more sudden Increases in kilometres or incline. And proper warm-ups too. It may be weeks before I hike Bukit Timah Hill again. Maybe months, but I hope not. I fear that I would never hike the hills again.

I treasure mobility. I appreciate being able to walk free from pain. This is priceless.

Have you ever learned a similar lesson of accepting your limits? Share your story in the comment below.

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Reunion with Swiss Cottage classmates

1 October 2019 2 Comments

I was in Swiss Cottage Secondary School and Pre U center for seven years from 1968 to 1974. I have lost touch with most of my classmates from then. However, as we reach the empty nest and retirement years, there is a strong pull to reminisce about the shared school years. Furthermore, we have more time on our hands, and with the help of quick contact via social media, many school reunions suddenly spring to life. This year I got added into a Swiss Cottage chat group. It was such fun looking at old school photos, wondering who is who, and what happened to so-and-so, and talking about our form and “out of form” teachers.

As I was clearing leave before my sabbatical I decided to initiate contact with some classmates who I found out attend the same church near my home: the Bukit Batok Presbyterian Church. So I arranged to meet with them for breakfast before the service and and lunch after the service. We ended talking for about four hours at a coffeeshop opposite the church.

With Keng Seng at Coffee Bean

A few days later I had lunch and tea with one of them: Kuan Keng Seng, formerly a council member in All Saints Anglican Church. It was easily another four hours of catching up on our respective history since Secondary School. Higher education, career path, family and as in all reunions a miscellany of various emotions and memories of people and events as they arise.

We do have a great need to reminisce and recall the past in our later years. It is important to bring out the jig saws and try to make put the pieces together and make sense of what God had been doing and working in our life. We step into a needed process of wholeness and integration as we reflect on God’s presence and activity in our life. It can be a life-affirming and healing process.

Thankful, so thankful.

It is also another arena for gentle witness.

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