The Seven Fountains Ignatian Spirituality Center keeps upgrading itself. It is almost like it has a Singapore spirit. Upgrading and improving is a passion that drives the country. I see it here in Chiangmai. If I remember correctly there were so many improvements over the last seven years. One major one was ensuite bathrooms. Another was the bitumen repairs. Then the rabbits and turkeys came. And the wooden hut was renovated and air conditioned to be another great prayer space. Yesterday, when I came in, I saw the new elevators.
New elevators to the joy of seniors
Apparently the sight of older retreatants lugging luggage up the staircase moved the priests with compassion, and in addition the financial means was there for the lifts to be done. I also noticed the enlargement of the dining space to accommodate more dining tables and chairs. The grounds have also been spruced up, with the unwanted plants and weeds and ponding and stagnant water removed and the grounds looking like a newly barbered head. All in all it gives the sense of hope, freshness, and progress.
Additional dining space by extending into the garden grounds
Where did they get the money from? From donations, many of which I suppose to be from Singaporeans. It is a lovely partnership or fellowship where giving and receiving is the order of the day; the priests and their generosity of opening the retreat and giving direction freely, the Singaporean retreatants so blessed and transformed by the ministry, giving generously in return. What a fellowship, what a joy divine, leaning on the Everlasting Arm!
In a sense this upgrading is what also happens in our lives as we learn to be silent, and pray in solitude, with the help of spiritual directors. The Lord draws near, we become sensitive of the movements of the Spirit, we become open to Him and obey Him and we are transformed or “upgraded”.
That is why I am here this week. I feel tired physically and weary emotionally. I have not been praying well. I have lost my appetite for lectio divina. I spend more time on reflection and journaling. Is this a season I have gone into? I need to understand what is going on. Is it perhaps my tiredness and weariness dulling my appetite for God? I look forward to a deeper love for the Lord, which is the grace I desire and seek.
My wife and I went to the Chau Son Cistercian Monastery in Dalat, Vietnam for a silent retreat. Going on a retreat has always been a delight. Often the Lord surfaces issues and sets us free. We feel His presence much more and receive life-giving insights. This is a diary of my retreat.
Mon, 3rd Dec 2018
It is interesting to get acquainted with fellow pilgrims who have decided to make a retreat. They come because they sense a desire to make one. Some came on the suggestion of someone they looked up to. A few felt a deep need to do so. Others like me do it as part of a personal rule of life – a customized pattern of living that makes space for God in your life.
Our lives intersect because we are journeying together in the next seven days of slowing down to reflect and pray. Today I met other serious seekers of God. Conversations with people who love the Lord made this day of travel a pleasant and inspiring one.
The day past rather quickly. My wife and I left home at about 8.30am and after a leisurely breakfast arrived at Changi Airport Terminal 4 at 10am for a group check in. This went smoothly and soon we were in a Vietnam Airlines international flight that went 1 hour 45 minutes. This was followed by a 35 minutes domestic flight from Ho Chi Minh to Dalat. The final leg was a bus trip of an hour, arriving at the Chou Son Cistercian Monastery at about 8pm. There we were served a lovely supper of beef and carrot stew, with French baguette, and rambutan.
The usual retreat room with bed, desk, chair, cupboard, attached bathroom. Except that the bed included a mosquito net.
Earlier in the bus, we had drawn lots and each of us chose our own room. This way everyone found it easier to accept the room whatever view it had. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s room. Hopefully the transparency helped. Soon we settled into our respective rooms, and retired for the night.
Except that I am here writing this daily log. Why am I doing this? Do I need a reason. I felt like doing it that’s all.
Tuesday, 4th Dec 2018
All I remembered of the night was how it turned cold in the early hours of dawn and I had to get up and wear my down jacket. Before I knew it, I awoke a little late and hurried to a breakfast of baguette, fried eggs, cheese and cilantro and local Vietnamese coffee. Silence only begins after the afternoon briefing, so chatter filled the dining hall.
Since many of us were new to this place, we were broken into groups and brought around the monastery to familiarise us with the various spaces. They showed us the places where we were to have our gatherings for the morning Mass (Eucharist), the briefing hall, the night prayers. We moved around the grounds of large fish ponds, pine forests and vegetable farms set against lovely forested mountains, bright blue skies and fluffy clouds. We were shown where the Cistercian brothers and monks lived, which was out of bounds for us. We saw many of the brothers landscaping a grotto and working the fields. Ora labora – prayer and labour is integral for a monk’s formation. I felt so grateful to be in such a conducive and inspiring environment for a silent prayer retreat of seven days.
The Chau Son monastery complex with the fish pond in the foreground
The estimate is that the property is the size of about 92 football fields. That is a lot of land to walk around and many prayer spots, pavilions and seats for reflection and relaxation. Outside the main entrance the road leads out to more land and plantations that belong to the monastery. This is a gift of God and the legacy of the French colonial past of Vietnam.
During the Mass, out of respect for the Catholics, we who are Evangelicals did not partake of the Mass but went forward for a prayer of blessing instead. We signified this by crossing our arms across our chest (sign language for “love”) so that the celebrant knew we went forward for a blessing. From tomorrow onwards the daily Mass was at 6.30am. I need to set the alarm for sure.
The morning briefing began with an exercise where we were partnered up and each took turns to be blindfolded and led by the other. I thought only youth campers did such things but we did it anyway and learned afresh the meaning of trusting God step by step despite our fears. There were 28 retreatants and 6 spiritual directors. In the morning we were asked to make a list of our spiritual directors in order of preference, and whether we were open to being assigned any of them as the Lord led. By afternoon they announced who our spiritual directors were. Mine was Sister Elizabeth, a well-known Sister of the Good Shepherd. After the dismissal the Silence commenced.
The night prayer was at 7.30pm every evening and I got a sweet taste of it. Silence, examen, adoration and praise and contemplation. It ended with thanksgiving and joyful singing. That was one hour that went quickly. After that I walked straight to the open field in front of the lake view and looked up into the night sky: the stars, oh the stars! It was awesome. Some of us would look up at the stars almost every night. It is now 9pm. I had better retire now. Good night Lord.
Wed 5th Dec 2018
This morning I met my spiritual director Sis Elizabeth. She has been in the ecumenical scene for decades, having years of experience as a spiritual director and herself involved in training spiritual directors too. We had a good rapport and we were able to establish trust rapidly. I talked about the wonders of Chau Son and how grateful I was to God for the way He arranged for me to be here in this beautiful, massive space with scenic views of lakes, mountain, and farmland. The mountain air was cool and refreshing. I also talked about a few issues that emerged during the silent night prayer. We talked about what these were and how the Lord might want to reveal the meaning of these emerging emotions.
Buried two tiles with words that symbolised the disordered affections the Lord wants buried.
Later, when I was alone the Lord dropped an idea to do an act of burial to symbolize the surrender of two disordered affections that the Lord has revealed. After I did the burial, a joy gradually welled up within me. A sense of being set free from a heavy burden. A peace and freedom to let God be God, and to surrender the future. Later, as I walked around the lake, I felt a lightness and a joy bubbling forth. Right after the burial, I sat down and was given another idea of what to do with the other issue that had surfaced. Tomorrow I will write on a stone the size of a bowl and throw it into the deep lake. Meanwhile I will let what I have already done sink in. I will relive that whole burial experience and relish it more deeply.
Thursday, 6th Dec 2018
I am so grateful to God for the idea of another symbolic act – throwing a medium sized stone into the lake from the pavilion. I heard a plonk sound that seemed to indicate deep waters. The reading from Isaiah 45 was “I will remove the shame”. My thirty eight years of ministry and leadership had its mistakes, failures and shortcomings. So many that I can run a course on how not to do ministry. That morning that invisible load of shame sunk into the redeeming waters of the lake of God’s grace and forgiveness.
Deep into the waters of God’s forgiveness and redeeming love
Later in the evening, as I pondered more deeply over this, I felt a joy spring forth when this sweet thought sprung to mind: on the day of Judgment, none of these mistakes, failures and shortcomings will be brought up for discussion or judgment. It is all under the blood of Christ.
I will henceforth reject any return to such dark, discouraging brooding. I am trusting God for a forgetfulness that will surprise me some day in the future.
Friday, 7th December 2018
On advice of my director, I rewrote Psalm 139 into a God first-person song to me. Re-paraphrasing the Psalm as though God
The Lord is lovingly and constantly gazing on us with loving attention
was addressing me. Then I recorded what I wrote and listened to it over and over. Gradually it grew in me, this sense that I am somebody special, and deeply loved by God. He took so much forethought, design and passion to make me. He watched over me everywhere I went, interested in everything about me, or that happened to me, that I said to others, and how I behaved. He laid his hands on me to bless me, He guided me so I do not go astray, He held me fast when I was going through very tough times. He was always cheering me on and celebrating even the small wins as thought they were monumental advances. And He will lead me to the everlasting way whenever I seem to go astray.
Sat 8th December 2018
Jesus meant for life to be simple but we have complicated it. The apostle John saw it: trust in Jesus Christ, and love one another.
We were made in God’s image and likeness. God is love, but sin in the world has distorted that likeness in us so that we tend to become self-centred destructive people.
Jesus came to cancel our sins and restore that image and likeness of love. He shed the Holy Spirit upon us and poured out the love of God, so that we are capable of being loving again.
It’s that simple and this love can be incarnated in us by His Spirit and expressed in a down to earth, sweat-tears-and-blood, practical love. One act at a time, and day after day. To do this I have to live in the present – not in the past nor in the future. To be aware now of what I hear, see, touch, smell, taste and to respond with God’s practical love in every situation. We moderns tend to elevate the world of thought and ideas and intellect. We do it at the expense of being aware of the physical and emotional dimension which God has designed as equally important elements of wholeness.
One of many stones with words left behind by seekers and lovers of God
I reviewed fast motion my whole life and bathed it in the light of God’s presence and care and knowledge of me. It cast my whole timeline and memories with the grace and a personal caring love of God for me the unique individual. If God was with me showing such absurd, undeserved love, then He will be with me in the remaining days and years of my life. No need to fear.
Sunday 9th December 2018
Woke up early to catch the Cistercian monks do the Laudes (meditation) at 4:30am. They chanted in Vietnamese and it was beautiful, devotional, serene, reverent. They sat, stood, bowed, kissed the Bible, and they sang. For a good half an hour of singing and reading scriptures. I soaked in the interesting atmosphere of adoration.
I looked at the many monks and noticed that many were young men. I was impressed. I pray they will continue to grow and persevere in the faith that is in Christ Jesus.
My sketch of Jesus and St Menas
Last night’s prayer hour, they introduced a beautiful icon showing Jesus with his hand over the shoulder of St Menas, a martyr. This ancient painting transported me to a time when a picture is worth a thousand words. There is so much meaning beneath the surface: the pose, the eyes, what they both carried, and the gaze. I found it fascinating and felt drawn to do a sketch of the icon. Alongside this I first read John 15 where Jesus said to the disciples that He no longer called them servants but friends. That hand on St Menas shoulder made him feel comforted, honoured, special, strong and wanted. Jesus wants to be my Friend. This awesome privilege hit me with added force.
Monday 10th Dec 2018
I gather the fruit of the seven days of silent retreat. It was two movements: one a setting free from two attachments: and the other, a movement towards following Jesus in his practical love more closely.
Freedom from what ties or weighs one down
The Lord has done wonders in me breaking me free from the weights of the past and the future. Retreat does wonders in surfacing issues for the Lord to clean up or set us free. We do not need to come with an agenda if there seems to be none. Often we are so busy that we are often unaware of weights and issues that are harmful to us and others. Silence and solitude gives God the space and opportunity to raise these to our awareness. This is certainly one reason we need spiritual directors to accompany us – they can co-discern with us these movements in our hearts.
Peace and tranquility within the soul is beautiful and precious
I am learning that living in the present is vital. I want to be more fully present to what is happening around me. I need to follow Jesus in hearing, seeing, feeling, and responding to the situations that present themselves to him on a day to day basis. My mind tends to be so deep in thought preparing a sermon, seeking solutions to problems, or occupied with theoretical ideas and theological issues that it hinders me from being aware of people problems, of listening deeply and with empathy, and being present to whoever or whatever is before us. I am seeking a practical, down-to-earth spirituality of living and loving that has hands and feet, eyes and ears, and towel and basin.
To be fully present and involved with people entails suffering
The retreat ended with a time of prayer and thanksgiving during the hour of prayer. Everyone gave thanks to God for how they were blessed and graced during the retreat. The lights were dimmed, and each one addressed their thanksgiving to the Lord Jesus, with all the rest listening in with grateful hearts. To enact this thanksgiving each retreatant lighted their candle in the front. With the end of the meeting everyone exploded with joy and hugs and handshakes and overflowing goodwill and peace. Christmas has come early.
Tuesday, 11th December 2018
We went on a tour of Dalat. This was to help us with re-entry. Good idea. Everyone was radiant with joy as we chat and took photos and shopped and ate. Twenty eight strangers and seven days of silence and yet a strange bond of closeness and love was forged – this is truly a fellowship in the Spirit.
View from Liang Bang mountain peak
Wednesday, 12th December 2018
It was time to go back to Singapore. We were still overflowing with the fragrance of God’s love and peace as we made the journey home.
Thank you Lord for being with us throughout the retreat, and for all the retreat directors who accompanied us we give you praise. Thank you too for the hospitality and silent devotion of the Cistercian monks. To God be the glory.
Here is a 5 minute slideshow of the Chau Son Retreat
This silent retreat was for seven days in early December. It took a day to travel to the Cistercian Monastery near Dalat, Vietnam: two hours by flight to Ho Chi Minh City; a 45 minutes domestic flight to Dalat, and a final hour by bus to this cool weather mountain retreat. It was the same hours returning to Singapore. One day of re-entry program was added.
The retreat proper began with a half day of orientation and then grand silence began and continued for seven days. Each day we met with our chosen spiritual director. There were 28 retreatants from Singapore and Malaysia and 6 spiritual directors. Securing this slot was difficult as the guest rooms were often occupied from local needs.
I enjoyed the retreat, and will post about it later after Christmas and New Year. However I did manage to make some simple slideshows from the photos I have taken. Three slideshows to be exact. Apple makes it a breeze. But only after I have loaded the photos from my Android Samsung Galaxy Note 5, which was quite a chore.
The first slideshow, is the most complete one which shows the beautiful grounds, some of the food we ate, and the one day Dalat re-entry program before we flew back.
The second slideshow excluded the food section, and allows more time to appreciate each photo and stir nostalgia.
I do not keep the sabbath as a law, but I live by the wisdom of sabbath. Christ is my sabbath. In Christ I have entered a spiritual rest from all works and labouring to earn salvation. However there is wisdom to be drawn from God’s idea of rest, remembering, and relishing one day a week.
One day in the week, usually Monday my day off, I choose to slow down to rest and avoid the kind of work which I usually do. I take time to meditate and pray. I try to delight in everything throughout the day. I rest.
The noise without and the noise within is stilled with quiet waiting before God
This Monday morning, I cycled to the Japanese Garden and found a bench facing the disused golf course of the now defunct Jurong Country Club. The government seized it for its vaunted development of the rapid rail station and peripheral mixed development.
Slowing down takes time. I was sitting there still and silent for 40 minutes. My thoughts were everywhere. So I sought to focus on my physical senses especially the sense of sound and touch. It helped. I shut my eyes, felt the cool breeze, and listened. Immediately, I heard the distant and faded pounding of a piledriver– thud, thud, thud. I heard something that sounded like a motor boat in the distance. There was the sound of excavators at work. There was the chirping of small birds and sometimes the squak of the heron. A golf cart rolls by behind me and I can hear that too. Must be the park management staff. Even the crickets whistle incessantly. A lot of construction work is going on at the fringe of the Jurong Lake and some even in the Chinese Garden.
Slowly my wandering thoughts which were like distracting monkeys jumping all over the branches of my mind, calmed down and quietened, as though asleep. Finally I did come to a place of restfulness and I meditated on the stages of prayer and the life of prayer that Jesus lived. Some lovely thoughts and took some notes of the insights.
Parents coaxing their child to smile in a child photography session in open air
I rounded off my time with the Lord cycling around the Chinese Garden and saw this couple having a photo shoot of their infant child. It was the first time I have seen a child photography session in the Chinese Garden.
How do we trace progress in our prayer relationship with God? An author by the name of Mark Thibodeux wrote about The Four Stages of Prayer that may give us a helpful framework to reflect on our personal answer to this question.
Firstly, talking at God. This is where all believers start their prayer life. It revolves around telling God our needs, problems, and desires. We even tell God how he can resolve them. At this level, God is nearly treated like an object, a gigantic prayer answering vending machine. Its a I-it kind of relationship if we go by Martin Buber’s categories. Sadly, many Christians stay at this stage and never move on, even after many years as a follower of Christ.
Talking to God as to a friend
The second stage is where we talk to God. At this stage prayer still revolves around words. The improvement is that we are more aware and conscious of God as a person, usually as a friend with whom we could share our needs, desires, thoughts and ideas, and what has been happening in our daily lives. There is a greater care to treat God as a person, a friend capable of and desirous of mutual love.
The third stage is where we learn to listen to God. This of course is a natural build up from stage two, for when you are conscious that God is a personal friend, you naturally wonder if this Friend has anything to share with you: his heart – thoughts, desires, emotions, goals. The main way of course is through meditation on the word of God. Taking passages and reading and reflecting on what God may be saying to us is listening to God. There are many other ways that God speaks to us too (creation, dreams, visions, objects, events, prophecy, signs) and we should not limit what he chooses. However, the truths of the Bible is God’s main and sure way of sharing with us what is on his heart. Do not mistaken this for Bible study or exegesis and these are important, but what this is about is the experiential truth encounters with God in scripture meditation and prayer.
The final stage is being with God. This is where we go with God beyond communication to communion. This is similar to human relationships where through knowing a person more intimately there is no need to use words all the time to nurture the relationship. Presence and silence and keeping company would do. We may feel his awesome presence, his overwhelming love, or his compassion or power even though no words are exchanged and we are merely sitting with eyes closed and mouth shut in prayer. At this stage it does not mean you do not interact with God anymore with words. It is a build up of previous stages but each stage layer by layer becoming richer and richer, and deeper and deeper.
So once we know where we are, we can make it our desire and prayer to move to the next stage of prayer and intimacy. We can consciously seek to relate to God as a personal friend and share more of our life without always coming to him only when we need help. Or we may want to listen to God more attentively in prayer, meditation and all the other ways God speaks to us and learn to record what we heard in a notebook. For those who want to go even deeper they will find themselves brought to a place of helplessness and dependence – and usually silence and stillness. Better still, instead of having to go through a trial that brings you to such a place, cultivate times of stillness, silence and solitude with God. Learn to wait on God silently for 15 minutes and progress to longer periods of wordless intimacy.
What do you think of these four stages of prayer? Are they easy to relate to? Do you know of other frameworks of progression in prayer? Do share in the comment below.
